Hey, Hi! It’s me again, your anxiety! We’ve been friends for a while now so I feel like we can skip the pleasantries and I’ll just jump right in. You should really switch your kids to nitrate-free lunch meat. Yes, you’ve thought about it a couple times but haven’t quite had the time to do the research (I know you’ve been super busy with raising those munchkins AND using that endocrine-disrupting scented lotion again, I see…) So, I went through the trouble of doing all the research for you. I’ll spare you all the details, but suffice it to say, it’s slowly decaying your children’s organs. You should definitely switch. BUT, I mean, only if you want to raise humans with functional kidneys.
While you’re at it, have you considered switching the milk to organic too? I don’t want to sound pushy, but you don’t want to know what all those artificial hormones and whatnot are doing to their poor little developing nervous systems. Trust me, it ain’t pretty. I know it’s pricey, but sacrifices, right?! This is totally the right call. I’ve crunched some numbers and if you just stop heating your house in the winter you can definitely afford the $7 a gallon liquid cow gold.
Speaking of gold, unless you want your kids to end up looking like those rappers with all the gold teeth, you need to make sure you’re using a clay-based tooth paste. I know I’ve warned you about fluoride before, but did you read those pamphlets I sent you? It’s good info with some terrifying statistics.
Also, I’m aware that the kids hate it and act like you’re torturing them, but you should definitely be flossing their teeth at least twice a day. Skip your shower and that should make up the time for all the resisting, writhing and physical restraint you’ll have to do in order to get those itty bitty teeth flossed. It’s about time management and priorities. Slap on an extra coat of deodorant; You can stink for a couple years if it means no cavities for your little sweeties!! But since we’re on the subject, please make sure you don’t bribe them to sit still during flossing, that’ll make them entitled and manipulative.
Not to be nosey, I just happened to notice that your kids have a bit of a summer tan. I know you’re applying sunscreen before any outside time, especially after I got you those statistics on skin cancer forming before age 2. But since you went against my advice to have them enjoy the sunshine from inside in long-sleeve shirts and pants, I wanted to make sure you are reapplying the sunscreen every 20 minutes. I know it takes you a full 20 minutes to put sunscreen on all three, but that works out pretty well if you just start over again with kid #1 once you finish up #3.
I guess one upside to your ill-advised choice to expose your children to deadly UV rays and all the free-radicals that make most sunscreens fatal, is that they are getting less screen time. Any more than that one 24 minute PBS show could really inhibit their development. I know some days you would like to make dinner without kids hanging on your body and screaming, but letting them watch another show could have some pretty dangerous side-effects. I’ll keep it brief, but the list includes loss of muscle function, facial ticks, language delays and full-on brain melting. I think we can both agree that the high blood pressure and stress you experience during dinner prep are a small price to pay for those precious little brains.
Listen, I feel like this was a good talk. Of course, you’re the Mom so it’s ultimately your decision…you can’t keep your kids in a bubble, after all! (Although I did send you an email about this fantastic new bubble suit for kids, did you read it yet?) So, yeah – this was great, let’s do it again multiple times a day for the rest of your life!
Looking forward to it!
– Your Anxiety